Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Why its not a good idea to eat a vat of yoghurt before bed

EDIT: 18/08/2010 You can now listen along as you read with my partner in crime and collaboration, Peeteer Smith, narrating in his special way!

I love yoghurt. Its awesome.

And apparently, its good for you! So on the days when I'm feeling marginally good about myself and think 'well, my body is my temple, man, it deserves healthy nourishings' I will eat yoghurt instead of stuffing my face with chocolate in front of the TV.

My favourite is Activia Plain yoghurt. Here is a picture so you can recognise it at Sainsbury's. Its delicious and nutritious and won't turn you into a whale if you eat a lot of it, which is nice as most of my favourite foods come with a severe health/obesity warning.

So one of my latest favourite things is to eat my dinner, nom nom nom, wait an hour or so and then eat my yoggy in bed watching Frasier with my man and my cat. I used to drink decaf coffee or tea at this time, but this led to regular nocturnal loo journies that interrupted my slumber and made me super grumpy in the morning.

There was a time when I was filled with dread that I would have to start wearing adult nappies before I hit 30. Why was my bladder going all geriatric on me in the middle of the night? Thankfully, because I'm not a complete moron, I accepted reluctantly that my pots of tea and coffee would have to go (or at least be finished before 9pm in order to get the regimed 2 and a half wees out before bed).

I was antsy, frustrated, orally fixated (yay! rhyme) and became shifty around this time when I knew I couldn't shovel anything more into my gob (I've also given up smoking - more on that special time later). Unless... is that yoghurt I spy? Not liquid but enough to stop me screaming inside for some sort of sustenance that isn't a second dinner? And hurrah - with that, a new night time treat is born.

But alas, my joy was short lived, as my problems returned. Recently I've been waking up in the middle of the night dying for a fucking piss again, my little belly distended with the ghost urine that had invaded my bladder through no means of my own.

I'd return to bed baffled - I had been vigilant with my imbibing! Is my bladder getting worse? Is my future to be punctuated with dashes to the store for a box of Tena Lady? I have tossed and turned many a night, weeping with self-pity into my pillow about the days ahead when I'm sure to never have an uninterrupted night's sleep again, seeing as my kidneys and bladder are convinced I'm some octogenarian with a catheter. But this morning - inspiration struck.

Its the fucking yoghurt.

With a renewed hope for a life without absorbant pants, I sprang from the bed and flung myself at the computer. After a good 3 or 4 minutes research, I had discovered what I needed to know - yoghurt is milk with added bacteria. Milk is 87 % water. So while I'd been smugly inhaling my nightly vat of yoghurt with an 'Oh I'm so healthy and I also won't need the loo in the night!' smirk on my face, I've actually been ingesting almost a 3rd of how much water I'm meant to drink during a 24 hour period.

Half an hour before I go to sleep.

And that is why its not a good idea to eat a vat of yoghurt before bed.

21/05/10 UPDATE: I have discovered 'Perle de Lait' - they come in handy little tubs so I don't overdo the yog. I haven't woken up in the night for 4 days now! Also its got more fat in which equals tastier and better.

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