Tuesday, 22 June 2010

Hattie and the fort: part 3 - The Results

I must apologise for my lateness in publishing these very important results. I have been moving house and, even though I can hear you quite rightly cry 'Forts are more important than having a roof over your head you lazy bitch!', unfortunately the move has taken up a lot of my time and energy. I do apologise, and normal service will resume when I have recovered from this most traumatising ordeal (I smell a different blog post!)

So here are the results as judged by the official board of Fort Architecture and Recreational Tent Structures.

In 3rd place we have Elly King with her superb entry which cleverly uses a strategically positioned crack in the cushions, allowing the fort to be lit with natural light from a nearby window. Inspired.

In 2nd place we have... Joe Chamberlin with his quite frankly astonishing effort which utilises a fan as a climate control device to ensure his fort is always at a balmy 72 degrees. Joe works in interior design, which is evident through his colour coordinated fort drape. His flare for structural engineering is also gestured to with his use of a digeridoo to support the fort's asymmetric roof.

He also deserves a special mention for his Fort attire - note the American Football helmet, chef's trousers and baseball bat. Suitable weaponry is a must have in a Fort, and the selection of a baseball bat alongside full American Football body armour and shoulder pads trumps my spatula hands down.

However, there can only be one winner, and this was a very hard decision. But (drum roll please)....

The winners are Team Mega-Alan: Esther Barratt and Peter Smith with their expertly designed multiple functioning Fort! Not only did their photographs comply with all official contest rules, but they clearly demonstrated the many different activities one can indulge in in a Fort.

Note the clean lines, solid structure and extra warm blanket as they play Wii.

Watching television is easy, comfortable and most importantly awesome in this spacious viewing den. Depth is also a very important variable concerning the enjoyment of a Fort - and their depth is just right.

Eating and drinking is no problem in this solid structure, with a secure roof and expertly positioned cushions for added safety. These action shots show but a few of the myriad ways a Fort can be the source of all fun and righteousness!

So there we have it. Peter and Esther, I salute you. Prize, I hear you say? Well, winning alone should be prize enough, you greedy fucks.

However I might buy you coffee and cake when I next see you :) all hail Team Mega-Alan, Fort builders Extraordinaires!

Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Sea falling on us!

When I was little, me and my brothers played a variety of amazing games, the most memorable if them being 'Sea Falling On Us'. The apparatus used was a large (in our young minds) blue exercise mat which we would prop up vertically against the wall, release, and run away from as fast as our little legs would carry us! The aim of the game was to not get twatted in the back of the head by the falling mat and, since it was blue, the game became known as Sea Falling On Us. Hours and hours we'd spend, saving ourselves from the mortal peril that faced us were we to be submerged under the great mat.

It was the most high octane fun I remember having as a child.

Other childhood games included 'Lost Children', when we'd fend for ourselves by foraging in the well stocked larder and return to our Wendy House with feasts of twiglets and other savoury snacks.

I think I was one of those children who's imagination, sense of humour and general manner prompted adults to look at me (and one of my brothers) as either some kind of precocious, misunderstood, avant-garde child genius, or as a genuine ruh-tard. The line between these two states is very fine indeed, and my entire life has been spent treading clumsily between the two. To this day I have no idea if I'm a super genius who is far too intelligent for her own good and for your average human being to understand, or so profoundly retarded that it confuses people and fools them into thinking that I might just be some kind of Einstein. Who knows? But most conversations with my man lead me to the same conclusion that I'm just a vintage fucktard.

How I long for the days when life was so simple that a whole day could disappear, spent in blissful merriment with a blue exercise mat.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, 11 June 2010

Negative Stealth Assassin

At some point in our lives, for some more than others, we are all visited by the ever silent and deadly Negative Stealth Assassin. It is not, as it's name suggests, some kind of covert MI6 super agent who operates mainly out of the Southern Baltics. Oh no, it is far, far worse.

The Negative Stealth Assassin is a veritable sneakster. It's the bile within you that feeds off hatred and things like sick puppies or a sad bee and will not stop until it has DESTROYED SOMETHING! And unfortunately, we all have one. It has a face that is the spawn of yourself and the devil's ball sack, and a body that is made of PURE EVIL!

A Negative Stealth Assassin is determined to rule the world and turn a happy sunshine rainbow existence into a quagmire of dross and misery. It will tell you lies! It will make you hate yourself! It will make you insufferable to all those around you, thus affirming your self hatred and it's validity! At the drop of a hat, the world is suddenly full of shitty weirdos, you will never be happy again and everything you thought was good and true is just a trick. You and those around you are suddenly at the mercy of this silent killer.

You can go from this:

To this:

for no rational reason! Once the beast is awake, all bets are off and all reality is squished. And then - RAGE! You will most likely become an irrational gibbering douche canoe until you realize that the things you are saying and feeling are fucking boring and, more importantly, insane.

But once the Negative Stealth Assassin has you in its claw like grip, it becomes stronger because the sad nonsense you were thinking about is its food. No one nowhere will ever understand the hurt going on your heart, no matter how hard you try to explain. That's the thing about Negative Stealth Assassins, they are tailored to your own individual shortcomings and insecurities, so not even people who love you will truly understand. No Negative Stealth Assassin is the same! They are a deadly breed!

I had a visit last night, but luckily the only thing it destroyed was my calm evening.

So today I feel like I've been bulldozed and know it'll take some time for my Negative Stealth Assassin to become comatose again. I want to kill it with fire! But the only way to kill a Negative Stealth Assassin is to hug kittens and play Wii and sing nice songs. So that's what I'll be doing this weekend. Maybe in a fort.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Hattie and the fort: Part 2

I can't quite believe the amount of enthusiasm that was shown in response to my blog post Hattie and the fort Part 1. I feel at once humbled and awesome.

I shall provide a full blog post charting the contest once it closes on 10th June and I have received all the submissions.

But now, without further ado, here is my fort journey:

This was my first, practice, attempt. My team mate, Dexter, is pictured, thus abiding by the official fort contest rules. This was a rather more elegant fort than my official entry, however since this fort was built on the bed without a view of the television, I felt rather strongly that this submission would be cheating if I passed it off as a genuine TV oriented fort. Yes, readers, I care about you that much that I would not want to cheat you.

Here is Dexter's solo attempt in our wardrobe - he is experienced in the building of slap-dash multi pile-on clothes forts.

And here, here is my official fort - TV facing in the sitting room

As I stated earlier, the craftsmanship of this fort is not quite as sophisticated as my first attempt, but it was wonderful nonetheless. And yes, that's a lamp, a MOTHERFUCKING LAMP in my fort. I am also wearing my onesie for extra cool points. It may not look like much, but I assure you that being in my fort felt like this:

I hope you all had as much fun as I did! Contest closes on Thursday, kids. Forts forever!

Thursday, 3 June 2010

Hattie and the fort: Part 1

The other night, I asked my Man if one day we could build a fort in the sitting room and sit in it all day watching movies and eating pizza.

After 17 seconds of silence and his blank stare, I asked again. 'Fort? In the sitting room?'

'Honey, you're 26'.

'I know but forts are amazing and so much fun!'

Silence. 'Honey, you're 26'.

'So? I cannot and will not believe that anyone, regardless of age, does not enjoy a fort'.

Silence. And disbelief.

I went on. 'Seriously, forts are so fun! You can smoosh in and make a roof with blankets and shit and watch stuff on TV and be all comfy and awesome at the same time'.

He'd left the room before I'd reached the end of the word 'seriously'.

I followed him into his office. 'Come on, you know you want to. Of course you enjoy a fort'.

'Sweetheart, I have work to do'.

'I get it. I bet you're thinking of Evangeline Lilly, and thinking that Evangeline Lilly, of Lost fame, would not enjoy a fort. But you know what? I bet she would!'

To clarify - Evangeline Lilly had a valid reason to be included in our conversation. A few months ago, after watching a gazillion back to back episodes of Lost, Man turned to me with a gravely serious look and said 'Hats, please don't laugh at me, but I honestly think I used to date Evangeline Lilly.' A tortured, supressed peep rose from my belly and made my eyes water, but I managed to compose myself enough to squeak 'Go on'. Turns out, 15 years ago, he'd dated a girl called Evan who was American and, apparently, the spit of Evangeline Lilly, of Lost fame. 'See, Evan could be short for Evangeline!' he declared with child-like glee. I made it a whole 3 seconds before I exploded, guffawing in his face.

Now, every time there is some sort of contretemps over something I suggest, I ask 'Oh, did Evangeline Lilly, of Lost fame, not do that?' He can also now use it to punctuate tales from his life, such as 'It reminds me of the time when I used to date Evangeline Lilly, of Lost fame'. Guys, guess what? Claim to fame - my Man used to bang Evangeline Lilly, of Lost fame!

However, a few weeks later he sheepishly admitted, 'actually, I think her surname was _______, but maybe she changed it!' We googled Evan the mystery girlfriend and her picture appeared, and sure enough did she look quite like Evangeline Lilly of Lost fame, enough to get the two mixed up. Its more fun pretending they're the same person though, so his ex girlfriend is still Evangeline Lilly, of Lost fame.

Anyway, I assured him that Evangeline Lilly, of Lost fame, would enjoy a fort. Unfortunately this was not enough to convince him to partake, so my fort assembly will be a solo effort. This is how I imagine my fort will look.

He's actually away on business overnight this Friday, so I shall make my fort, and it will be great. I will post photo updates this weekend.

And in the meantime, I encourage you to all build forts of your own! I am of a school of beliefs which posits that everyone, everwhere, regardless of age, enjoys a fort. Why sanction the joy of forts to schoolchildren up to the age of ten but no older? Its a travesty and one I will challenge to the death. I don't have many readers yet but if you send me pictures I will give a prize to the person/team who builds the best fort!

UPDATE 4/06/10: So there's been quite a bit of interest in the fort contest on twitter! The rules are as follows:

- Teams may be no more than 3 people
- Teams must register their official team names in the comments section of my blog or via DM on twitter (@awoollyhat)
- Photos must include at least one team member sitting in the fort, then sent to hc.london@yahoo.com for the judging panel to assess
- closing date for contest is 10/06/10 (that's 10th of June to any American readers)